True Life: I Was Depressed

By Anonymous Reader

I never thought that it could happen to me. Not in an arrogant way, but I never let myself get too down.  I was wrong.

Before summer had begun, I had plans on editing my dissertation’s prospectus and simply having fun. Professionally and academically, spring 2019 was very dynamic and busy for me. I started a new job and school was very demanding. Nonetheless, I rose to the occasion because papers do not write themselves and bills have to get paid. Not to mention, I met someone so life was good.

I noticed that I got into a funk at the beginning of June. I honestly could not tell you what happened as I don’t recall a dramatic event happening. I just remember I lost all motivation to do anything. I love my new job, but it was a chore for me to get out of bed and get ready in the morning. Even when I did, I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. Every morning I would pick myself apart. When I would arrive at work, I interacted with my colleagues, but it was forced conversation on my part. I was productive during the workday, but deep down I was anxiously waiting to return home. Home was my safe space.

In my personal life I didn’t want to be bothered. I ignored phone calls from the ones I loved the most, and I did not go out at all this summer. Romantically, I did. You know, dates and movies because how could I tell someone who I have not known that long that I am depressed? I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t even post pictures on Instagram of myself. I don’t know why, but I didn’t like who I was. As blessed as I am, I didn’t even like my life. Very sad but true.

I found myself overthinking.  I was tense all the time, constantly in my head and quiet. My mental state had also affected me physically. Everyone says that I have lost weight, and I know I have. What I don’t say is that my depression caused me to not eat as much. I even became bored with food. That is how I knew something was wrong. I lost interest with everything.

I did not realize I was depressed until several weeks ago. I am now in the swing of a new academic year, and I am getting back in my groove. I am back to being more intentional about my day. I have started making to do lists again, and I even place more effort into how I look. Not to mention, I make it a point to live in the moment. I constantly remind myself that I am enough, and I try to do the best I can.

I can’t tell you what my days will look like going forward. I can only hope for the best and will seek professional help should I feel I need it. I can tell you this: I will never underestimate myself in such a way again.