By Aaliyah Moore
Up and down, up and down, we went for years. Unexpected twists turn, drops, loop-de-loops, you name it. And if someone were ever to ask me why, I don’t know that I’d even have an answer for them. Never a true commitment. There were only a few calls and texts here and there, followed by a few moments of pleasure inside the bedroom. After each encounter, I left feeling empty, yet I consistently returned to a well that had run dry. This was my norm. Until I one day said, “this is my last time.” I don’t know what the aha moment was for me, but I knew I could never get back on…
Getting Off the Ride
So I recently started therapy again. In my initial session, I opened up about the dysfunctional relationships from my past. One thing my therapist said that stuck out to me was,
“Our hearts are creatures of habit.”
That one statement shed light on why time and time again, I had found myself on this roller coaster ride. Even with knowing I deserved better, my heart grew accustomed to this same pattern to the point where I started to believe this was normal. And whether or not we acknowledge it, familiarity is a significant principle when it comes to emotional relationships, even in situations where the familiarity isn’t necessarily productive or easy to bear.
Staying off the Ride
There were many times before now that I said I’d never go back. But I think what clicked for me the very last time was a real heart to heart conversation I had to have with myself:
“Girl, you are better than this. There’s no way you can say you want something healthy and desire someone to love you the right way if this is what you continually allow. It may take you some time, but you really need to get to the root of why you think this is the standard.”
I knew that a life that presented me with this constant up and down did not truly serve me well, and being honest with myself about this was the game-changer. And the moment I started telling myself this truth, my whole world began to change. I can say that once I started to improve and have these conversations with myself, what I started to attract ultimately became better, too. And what has kept me from looking back is KNOWING that I am worthy of true, genuine love from someone, and this isn’t something I can say I’ve always believed about myself.
I’m thankful for all the ways therapy has opened my eyes to see things about myself that I haven’t always been able to see. We never do things “just because,” but there’s always a root cause behind why we operate in the ways we do.
The ride was fun while it lasted. But I’m off of it for good.
Aaliyah Moore is a contributing writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC.