Black Women Grow from Self-Reflection

By Quasha Ross

A little bit of self-reflection kicked my ass and hurt my feelings. Honestly, I rarely talk about being wrong, but each day presents an opportunity for growth, so let’s get into it.

I’ve had Jazmine Sullivan’s “Lost One” on repeat. If you haven’t heard it, listen to it. It may give you a bit more insight into this post. I would never admit this until now, but maybe I lost one. Perhaps we both lost each other.

I’ve been single for a year and a half and thought about my ex every day since the breakup. I walked away knowing that the reason it didn’t work out was all his fault, but after eighteen months of self-reflection, I realized I played a major part in that breakup too.

I was rigid. A young man was trying to figure out his life in front of me, and I gave him no grace. I wanted him to be “together” already. I didn’t give him a chance to grow into who he envisioned himself to be. I was selfish. Playing back the relationship in my head, I didn’t show love. I showed a lot of judgment and criticism.

I’ve had time to reflect, and now I understand that no one comes to you perfectly. Now I wish I had handled him with care. Thinking more deeply about it, I didn’t handle myself with care. The way I spoke to myself and the negative self-talk I engaged in during that time, I didn’t know how to uplift my man. I only knew how to tell him he wasn’t enough and that he had to do better. I was far from understanding. I wanted the ideal, and to hell, with him if he couldn’t or wouldn’t be that for me. 

Time showed me the error of my ways. It’s hard to admit I was wrong, and I’m a Virgo, so it’s super difficult! He’s been on my heart ever since we parted ways.

Like Jazmine Sullivan says in her song, “If it’s too late, I understand. Sometimes it’s too late to make amends.”

If it’s too late for me, I’ve learned how to navigate my next relationship. I have to show love first and foremost. I have to allow the person to grow and become who they need to be, not who I want them to be. I have to ask for what I need from them and not expect them to read my mind. I have to stop revealing their mistakes to others and start highlighting the good in them. I have to handle their heart, mind, body, and soul with care. 

If the breakup never happened, who knows if I would have ever self-reflected. But the breakup did happen, and it allowed me to turn the mirror towards myself and analyze what I did wrong and what I could have done better. It’s the growth for me! If I could say anything to the one I lost, I would say: 

“Don’t have too much fun without me.”

–Jazmine Sullivan

Quasha Ross is a contributing writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. She’s a creative writer who believes writing is a true art form. Find Quasha on Instagram @quashaross_


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