By Latasha McGill
I have often said that dating can be harder than taking a calculus class. There are so many rules, demands, expectations, and noise in favor of and against dating until it seems almost impossible to find someone, you’re compatible with. Sometimes, people will solicit advice from dating gurus and/or self-proclaimed experts to assist them in their journey of finding love.
This past week I came across a video on social media of a Black woman who was seeking advice from a guy who coaches/counsels people with dating. They were going back and forth because he felt as if she didn’t meet the qualifications of the type of man she expects. Basically, the woman is a single mother, an entrepreneur who earns six figures from her business. She explained to the guy she desires a man earning six figures as well. This is where it became ugly, in my opinion. The guy seemed highly appalled that this woman, who by all accounts he believes is average looking at best ( and she has the same opinion of herself), with a child, has the audacity to believe she is worthy of a man who earns six figures. He told her that those kinds of men do not want average looking women with children, and she needs to lower her standards. The video received mixed reviews on social media (naturally). I was honestly shocked at the high number of people, both men and women, Black men and Black women, in favor of the guy’s direct yet harsh comments to this woman. In urban terminology, “he was dragging that woman” with his harsh statements. I could tell she felt embarrassed but was afraid to defend herself because he was so cruel with his words. It was disheartening to hear this beautiful, Black woman rate her appearance a five and six at best when she’s made up to satisfy the ego of the prick who didn’t think she was attractive enough for a six-figure earning man.
I understand the laws of compatibility. I get that sometimes, people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. However, as I stated above, this guy was utterly appalled at her expectations because of his opinion of her looks and the fact she has a child. It’s a shame that single mothers are expected to think less of themselves when it comes to love. Whatever the reasons are, leading a woman to become a single mother doesn’t mean she is any less deserving of a high caliber mate. Negative stereotypes and opinions of single mothers can cause women to settle and/or end up in toxic relationships. As Black people, we need to stop berating Black women and telling them they aren’t good enough; they are less than, and they don’t meet a certain standard of beauty to be worthy of a guy who doesn’t live with his parents. Guys, do you really want your daughter, sister, or niece to feel as though she has to settle?
For a long time, I believed I had to settle for what I could get because I was a single mother with four daughters. I understand that not every man wants to date a single mother. I respect people’s choices to date whom they want. But, not every man or woman feels that way. There are some good, successful men and women who will date single mothers/fathers. Furthermore, let’s dissect beauty standards. When I was growing up, I’d always heard the phrase “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Beauty, whether it is physical or inwardly, is subjective. Ladies, don’t think you must be an Instagram model with a six pack who eats salads all day to be with a handsome, successful guy because it’s simply not true. Judging from that video, that guy said she had to settle for someone who looked like the Crypt Keeper and is the Manager of a Service Station (not that anything is wrong with a Service Station Manager, just making a point.) Black women are expected to lower our standards and settle for scraps when it comes to love. And, the minute we proclaim that we will not, that’s when we get belittled, berated and called gold diggers and every other name that isn’t fitting of our royal priesthood. And, it’s sad, shameful, and disrespectful. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the days of settling are over. The days of unhealthy, toxic relationships are over. The days of situationships are over. The days of low self-esteem telling us we can’t have our hearts’ desires are over. Get over it and deal with it. No woman should settle for anyone she feels isn’t right for her, whether she has no children, one child, or six children.
Furthermore, ladies, seek out wise counsel to guide you in your journey of finding healthy love. That guy in that video should not be advising anyone. There are great services and people who specialize in guiding people on their love journeys.
Connect with “When Love Works” on Facebook and Instagram. In the meantime, please believe you are beautiful, and you deserve healthy love. #WholePersonHealthy
Latasha “Tasha Mac” McGill is a Contributing Writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. Tasha Mac is a mom of four adult daughters, a vegan, and a workout junkie who lives by the mantra Whole Person Healthy. It is her journey of total wellness in all areas of life. She enjoys encouraging, uplifting, and inspiring people to discover their own journey of total wellness and seek wholeness and freedom every day. Her favorite guilty pleasure is veggie chips with hummus or guacamole.