By Latasha McGill
I have often said that dating can be harder than taking a calculus class. There are so many rules, demands, expectations, and noise in favor of and against dating until it seems almost impossible to find someone, you’re compatible with. Sometimes, people will solicit advice from dating gurus and/or self-proclaimed experts to assist them in their journey of finding love.
This past week I came across a video on social media of a Black woman who was seeking advice from a guy who coaches/counsels people with dating. They were going back and forth because he felt as if she didn’t meet the qualifications of the type of man she expects. Basically, the woman is a single mother, an entrepreneur who earns six figures from her business. She explained to the guy she desires a man earning six figures as well. This is where it became ugly, in my opinion. The guy seemed highly appalled that this woman, who by all accounts he believes is average looking at best ( and she has the same opinion of herself), with a child, has the audacity to believe she is worthy of a man who earns six figures. He told her that those kinds of men do not want average looking women with children, and she needs to lower her standards. The video received mixed reviews on social media (naturally). I was honestly shocked at the high number of people, both men and women, Black men and Black women, in favor of the guy’s direct yet harsh comments to this woman. In urban terminology, “he was dragging that woman” with his harsh statements. I could tell she felt embarrassed but was afraid to defend herself because he was so cruel with his words. It was disheartening to hear this beautiful, Black woman rate her appearance a five and six at best when she’s made up to satisfy the ego of the prick who didn’t think she was attractive enough for a six-figure earning man.
I understand the laws of compatibility. I get that sometimes, people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. However, as I stated above, this guy was utterly appalled at her expectations because of his opinion of her looks and the fact she has a child. It’s a shame that single mothers are expected to think less of themselves when it comes to love. Whatever the reasons are, leading a woman to become a single mother doesn’t mean she is any less deserving of a high caliber mate. Negative stereotypes and opinions of single mothers can cause women to settle and/or end up in toxic relationships. As Black people, we need to stop berating Black women and telling them they aren’t good enough; they are less than, and they don’t meet a certain standard of beauty to be worthy of a guy who doesn’t live with his parents. Guys, do you really want your daughter, sister, or niece to feel as though she has to settle?
For a long time, I believed I had to settle for what I could get because I was a single mother with four daughters. I understand that not every man wants to date a single mother. I respect people’s choices to date whom they want. But, not every man or woman feels that way. There are some good, successful men and women who will date single mothers/fathers. Furthermore, let’s dissect beauty standards. When I was growing up, I’d always heard the phrase “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Beauty, whether it is physical or inwardly, is subjective. Ladies, don’t think you must be an Instagram model with a six pack who eats salads all day to be with a handsome, successful guy because it’s simply not true. Judging from that video, that guy said she had to settle for someone who looked like the Crypt Keeper and is the Manager of a Service Station (not that anything is wrong with a Service Station Manager, just making a point.) Black women are expected to lower our standards and settle for scraps when it comes to love. And, the minute we proclaim that we will not, that’s when we get belittled, berated and called gold diggers and every other name that isn’t fitting of our royal priesthood. And, it’s sad, shameful, and disrespectful. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the days of settling are over. The days of unhealthy, toxic relationships are over. The days of situationships are over. The days of low self-esteem telling us we can’t have our hearts’ desires are over. Get over it and deal with it. No woman should settle for anyone she feels isn’t right for her, whether she has no children, one child, or six children.
Furthermore, ladies, seek out wise counsel to guide you in your journey of finding healthy love. That guy in that video should not be advising anyone. There are great services and people who specialize in guiding people on their love journeys.
Connect with “When Love Works” on Facebook and Instagram. In the meantime, please believe you are beautiful, and you deserve healthy love. #WholePersonHealthy
Latasha “Tasha Mac” McGill is a Contributing Writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. Tasha Mac is a mom of four adult daughters, a vegan, and a workout junkie who lives by the mantra Whole Person Healthy. It is her journey of total wellness in all areas of life. She enjoys encouraging, uplifting, and inspiring people to discover their own journey of total wellness and seek wholeness and freedom every day. Her favorite guilty pleasure is veggie chips with hummus or guacamole.
The Pedestal Project 
I am a Christian and even in some churches women are taught to settle, for the man’s convenience. For a long time, women have bought into that, and stooped, settled have been too tolerant of mistreatment in relationships, and believe that their worth is defined by whether or not they have a man in their life.
Some men want to cop out, not measure up, but want for the woman to stoop down. When a woman knows her worth, she will not drop and settle for someone else who doesn’t.
I know that personal preferences can be negotiated, but that is up to each individual, based on their own needs. It is not up to someone else to tell people how they should negotiate.
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Don’t settle Queen! No woman she succumb to pressure by any religious bondage to marry or date a man she doesn’t want to.
Thank you for sharing your feedback!
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***should succumb #SpellCheck
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I just watched part of that video on another blog. Couldn’t get through more than a couple of minutes. It pains me that some women seek their validation and value in male opinions. I’ve remained single all my life because I refuse to settle. For many years, I was troubled by the absence of a quality man in my life. Now, I’m satisfied with being the quality person I need for my life.
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If you have got the outcome you want in life and you are still entirely happy with the outcome, good for you.
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Girls there is this man on YouTube named Kevin Samuels who is telling educated Black women that they have to settle if they aren’t married by 35. He is advising other Black women with children that they aren’t going find someone new because men can’t build a legacy with someone’s else children. He also is pushing out the idea that after 35 women are basically infertile and have no hope for having children & that most educated & wealthy men want a young 20 yr old. So basically any Black woman that chooses career and education & didn’t marry or have children by a certain age will end up some man’s second wife & that’s as good as it will get. He posts videos weekly trying to convince Black women why they are wrong but has yet to advise men on the same issues. To him men are ageless creatures who have a right to cheat and spread their seeds.
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Well that got him really far, didn’t it? And I’m STILL not settling lol
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Oh boy, I’m sure I’ll get push back on here for saying this but oh well. So there have been quit a few studies into attraction and mates. While people don’t like to be reduced to a number when it comes to their looks we do this everyday, all day, consciously and subconsciously when making decisions about if someone looks safe approachable, nice to interact with….etc. What studies have found is that when based on looks the overwhelming majority of people end up with someone average a “5” just like them, plus or minus a point. You ever hear of the saying “water seeks its own level”.
When you extrapolate that to other aspects of dating it often holds true. I’m not talking about that one exception that any one can come up with but rather the norm when you look at couples. So why should kids and income be any different when you add that into the equation. I can understand that a guy who is single, no kids, making 6 figures would not want to deal with a women with 4 kids and however many baby daddies. That man will be paying, supporting and possibly the drama of the baby daddy while he doesn’t even have kids of his own…please tell me how that makes since…it doesn’t. Now if you had all these kids from one man when you were married there may be a loophole there but if you made the choice to lay down with several other men unprotected and have babies with them and not require marriage, why on on gods green earth would you expect another man to save you from your horrible decision making…that is what I call low character. Yeah it may sound harsh but you made those decisions now live with them.
As far as the whole income thing there is only a small percentage of men and black men in particular who make six figures, less than 10%…so good luck competing with with every other sing black women on the planet for that…I don’t understand why women look down on a good man making 50-60k a yr…and will holler and scream about how she is not lowering her standards and their are no god men left. Companionship is beautiful and even healthy, people with spouses live longer and have happier lives in the long run. Why deny yourself that just because a man doesn’t meet ALL your check marks.
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Because the average bm is not making 50-60k/yr but $40/k and no, I’m not willing to settle either. The reality is we live in a capitalistic society and we need money. The sister referenced in this story is making >$60k more than the average bm and with a lousy 40k, what can he possibly do for her or that kids when his Meager wages can’t even sustain him alone. I bet she finds that 6 figure earning man if she expand her horizon to non bm. Why are we expected to not only settle but only consider bm anyways I’ll never understand.
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