By Latasha McGill
I Can Love God and Date Whom I Want: Being a Single Black Female While Being a Member of a Black Church
As if being a single, black woman isn’t hard enough. Try being a single, black woman and being a member of a black church. That’s a plight within itself. What many of us want (SBW) is to love God and find and experience true love simultaneously. That experience is going to look, feel and overall be different for every woman as we grow, mature and go through different seasons in life. However, the mission is still the same. I wish that I can say I’ve seen love go right for many black women who belong to black churches. However, I would be lying. I’ve seen it go wrong many times for single, black women, including myself. There is a plethora of reasons for the demise of these relationships. Before you start giving me the side-eye and stank face, writing nasty comments and talking about me, I’m not blaming the church nor am I suggesting that a black woman leave her church and find a man. Let me make that blatantly clear.
However, what I am saying is, stop allowing the church to control and/or heavily influence your love life. I get it; church is a major part of our lives. We worship there, we have a relationship with the clergy and congregation; therefore, it’s natural to want to intertwine the relationships we have with our church family and the relationship we have with our significant other. However, where is the healthy boundary? Are you sharing too much of your relationship business with the clergy and/or congregation? I understand that our spiritual leaders are important to us and their opinions may sometimes guide our life choices. As black women, we are bombarded with messages of what our “husbands” supposed to be, act like, look like and so forth. If the man doesn’t attend service with you, if he isn’t quoting scripture, paying tithes, offering to cut the church lawn, being your prayer partner, etc.…. then “God didn’t send him.” OMG, really??? How can anyone have a successful relationship if they aren’t following religious politics and dating by the church’s regimented rules? Seriously, most black women who love the Lord, truly desire a man of God. However, who and how you choose to date/love/marry shouldn’t be a decision we allow the church to make for us. And, we certainly shouldn’t allow our love life to be influenced by a rule box from our church. I’ve seen women lose good, decent men because they allowed church rules to govern their relationships and households. News Flash: Every man who sits in a pew every Sunday isn’t a good man and may not be the man for you. While we’re on the subject let’s talk about the concept of “Waiting on God to send me a man.” People say this so much as if God is a genie in a bottle. I’m not sure where the fallacy of God being a matchmaker was derived from.
But ladies, please stop falling for this. I promise, you will never be happy on your terms if you do not let this notion go. God presents us with opportunities and blesses us with the desires of our hearts. He knows and understands that we desire companionship. And guess what, HE WANTS US TO HAVE IT. If you meet a guy and you feel as though you may want to get to know him, then you are within your spiritual and natural right to explore that possibility without worrying about is he churchy enough, or will he be accepted by the church. I know and see many beautiful, successful women who are growing older and still saying they are waiting on God to send them a man. (Inserts face in palm emoji). It is time to be honest with yourself and stop updating social media everyday with five posts about relationships, relationship memes and talking about how others are faking in their marriage and/or relationships, meanwhile wishing you had someone to come home to.
I am happy to have someone in my life who I can talk with and be my total self with. It’s a blessing to have a man of God in my life whom I can learn from, grow with, who is kind, caring, compassionate and values me in every way. The truth is, most black people have had so much relationship trauma in our lives from multiple sources. So, when you meet someone who is amazing and loves you for who you are, communicates and value you, are you really going to kick them to the curb because they aren’t checking off the boxes on the church relationship rules list? I beseech you my sister, don’t do it. Everyone you meet will not be a regular member of a church nor will they have a desire to go. That doesn’t mean they don’t know God or have a relationship with Him. My final thoughts on this subject are, do what makes you happy. Date whom you want, love whom you want and free yourself from public opinion when it comes to your love life.
Latasha “Tasha Mac” McGill is a contributing writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. Tasha Mac is a grammar geek who is obsessed with coffee, high heels, lipstick, 90s R&B and Comic book movies. She is also a vegetarian whose idea of “turning up” is being in bed by 9pm, working out, watching HGTV and reading a book.
Connect with her on Facebook @ Latasha McGill, on Instagram @ TashaMac523, on Twitter @ LadyT523