By Latasha McGill
“I love you to the depths of my soul” were the last loving words he uttered to me right before we left the theater after just watching The Equalizer 2. As he parked the car when we made it to his apartment, I made a phone call to one of my daughters. The details of that conversation between her and me led to an argument between me and him. As a result of the conversation between me and my daughter, I ended up getting in my truck and staying at my own apartment that night. However, the argument between me and him continued over into the next day.
The next morning, I went to his apartment and the argument became worse. He was accusing me of things and as usual, I was defending myself against those unfounded accusations. He told me that it was over, and I left his apartment. Little did I know, it would be my last time being in there. In my mind I’m thinking, “This is bad, but we’ve been at ‘bad’ before and made it through. Once he calms down, remembers how much we love each other, remembers that I’m not going anywhere, this will blow over and we will be alright.” THAT DID NOT HAPPEN. The next day was Sunday and after many attempts of me trying to call and talk with him, I got no response. I even went back to his apartment and he would not answer the door for me. He finally called me that afternoon and said let’s meet for “closure.” We met at a park, sat on a bench and I listened to him talk. His words were like a two-edged sword, piercing my soul back and forth. The final blow was when he told me I didn’t love him the way he needed and the way he had prayed for. I sat there and could not believe that man told me that. I thought I didn’t hear him correctly, but I did. That’s what he said. All I kept thinking was that two days ago he had told me he loved me to the depths of his soul and now “I didn’t love you the way you needed and the way you prayed to be loved?” My response (once I was able to utter one) was, “I loved you the way God told me to love you, to look past your faults and see your needs.” Those words were not enough because his decision to end us was final. He was done with us and was ready to move on with his life. A life that no longer included me, my children, my granddaughter, our families and friends, and everything else I thought we were working towards and building. Just like that, we were over.
As the days went by, they got harder and harder for me. I kept trying to contact him, talk with him, see him, but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I tried reaching out to him through one of his friends; asking that person to please ask him to call me so we can talk and work this out. That made things worse. When I say he was done with me and had moved on, please believe me when I say this. He treated me as if I did not exist, as if I never mattered and surely no longer mattered. I was not ready to accept the demise of our relationship. After all, I had centered my entire life around this man; he was my SOUL and he absolutely knew it. How could he just walk away and not look back? But, that’s exactly what he did. Looking back I realized my heart started cracking long before it broke.
I was a mess. For months, I was a barely functional and complete mess. One of my daughters said, “mom, I’ve never seen you like this.” They were hurting seeing me in so much pain, seeing how this man rejected me and moved on like none of us mattered. It hurts me that I put them through that; that they had to see me like that. There were days when I felt so low, that I thought I was going to lose it. I was hurt to the core of my soul. I’ve had breakups before; I’ve gone through divorce, but nothing I had ever experienced felt like this. I wasn’t sure how to bounce back from this one. OH, BUT GOD!
Remember in my previous article, I said one day I had the epiphany I needed to get myself together. That light kept getting brighter and brighter until one day, I woke up and realized it’s now almost a year since the breakup and I have so much peace. I’m so happy, I feel so free!
Let me tell you though, IT TOOK WORK. I had to own my healing which included me taking accountability for my actions. I could not just pray the pain away. I went through a soul-detox cleansing that took me all the way back to my childhood. I had to dig deep to understand and heal from what was causing me to stay in toxic relationships and why did I stay in the relationship with him for as long as I did. I had to dredge up things from my past that I had never allowed myself to be healed from. Oftentimes, women believe that time heals all wounds. Time conceals wounds, but does not necessarily heal them. Black women are masters at concealing years of pain and transferring it to every phase of our lives. It’s one of our many superpowers that has become our kryptonite. During the detox phase, I confronted years of pain and emotionally confronted all the people who had hurt me including myself. I confronted the guilt, the shame, the trauma and the pain and I released myself from it. After a very emotional confrontation with years of pain and trauma, I forgave those people, including myself and let it all go. I have never felt so liberated in my life.
When it came to detoxing from my ex, it took even more work because this was a fresh, present-day wound with physical reminders everywhere. I deleted over 800 photos that existed of us and him in every digital storage area and every device I have, I got rid of gifts he had given me, clothes I had bought for myself that were purchased to attend dates and outings with him, disconnected myself from everything that linked us (except for social media because he blocked me on all of them the day he broke up with me). Everywhere else we were connected, I broke those connections including the one thing that is the most difficult for us all to do; yes, I deleted our text thread. Some people may think this was too much, but I say it was necessary because I was serious about taking back my life, owning my healing and moving forward. I couldn’t do that if I’m looking at constant reminders of what was once was us.
I could not have gotten through that breakup without my family, close friends and my Pastor who supported me and kept reminding me of how wonderful I am. It was when I remembered how amazing I am for myself that I started taking my life back. My healing process has been great. God has given me so many revelations and I can see clearly. I understand why He allowed that person to recuse themselves from my life. I’ve truly grown closer to God and I’ve developed a “no compromise, no more settling, if it’s not God, I don’t want it state of mind.” I’ve learned how to completely value myself and have developed a desire for a healthy, loving relationship that will lead into a godly, loving marriage. However, as I’ve stated, I’m intentionally not dating in this season. Right now, I’m enjoying what God is doing in me, and how I’m working on myself to be the best version of me I can be for myself, my loved ones and one day, my future king.
I don’t hold any ill feelings for my ex. I have forgiven us both for the mistakes and pain I endured. Our relationship was a love lesson that taught me what I needed to learn so I can earn the blessings God has for me. This journey I’m on of being Whole Person Healthy is about loving God and myself deeper and more intimately. It’s about being whole and complete for myself and when the time is right, my whole and healthy self will attract a healthy love. Until then, I will continue my journey and enjoy the process.
Latasha “Tasha Mac” McGill is a contributing writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. Tasha Mac is a grammar geek who is obsessed with coffee, high heels, lipstick, 90s R&B and Comic book movies. She is also a vegetarian whose idea of “turning up” is being in bed by 9pm, working out, watching HGTV and reading a book.
Connect with her on Facebook @ Latasha McGill, on Instagram @ TashaMac523, on Twitter @ LadyT523