A Real Girl’s Guide to Good Sex

By Jasmine Kelly

Yes, I know that Valentine’s Day is over, but the fact remains that good sex is key and most importantly it begins and ends with you. Contrary to popular belief that it takes two (sometimes), pleasure is your responsibility. However, I totally understand how it is possible to forget that gratification is essential because we never see images on television related to such. It always looks the same old way. Sex is always heteronormative. The gender binary is always the default representation. The men are always in control. This is very stressful and even more so, very hard to see oneself enjoying pleasure. Sex involves all five senses. How can you imagine something if you don’t even know what it looks like?

I also understand that good sex is easier said than done because we are human, life is happening, and we do not live our lives in a vacuum. There is work to be done, bills to be paid and a million other things to accomplish. Nonetheless, “sexual health is more than avoiding diseases and unplanned pregnancies. It’s also about recognizing that sex can be an important part of your life, according to the American Sexual Health Association.” No worries though because that is why I am here! I am giving you the real down to Mars girl version of good sex so you can get out of your head and into bed (if that’s your preference).

  1. Understand that you are the prize. Yes, girl, you are the prize and anyone who you choose to share the sexual experience with needs to know that as well. We feel better about doing things when we feel that we are bringing something to the table. Well, you are the table, honey!
  2. Have sex when you are your best self. There is a time and a place. Even though sister Janet was on to something, we understand that anytime, anyplace is not always true. Engage in intercourse only when it is consensual and your mind, mood, and body is up to it. Anything less is a waste of time.
  3. Have sex with people you like. I know, I know you would think that this is something that everyone knows but you would be surprised. It is very easy to share the cookie with those who are undeserving if you feel like you have no options but that only leaves you feeling like crap. Even if your only option is to not have sex and wait until you have a viable partner, that is fine too
  4. Know your status. Good sex is safe sex. Trust me, your experience will be much more enjoyable when you know your status and that of your partner(s) as well.
  5. Get your house in order. It is hard to get in the mindset for a good physical encounter if you have laundry laying around, dishes in the sink and harsh lighting. The goal is to have a clean slate to get dirty.
  6. Set the mood. Or schmood (hehe). If you want to have sex, you have to be sex. Create what you want to happen by making your environment more sensual. You can do this by using candlelight, incorporating a nice aroma (I recommend vanilla), and getting rid of any objects that will distract you from your partner(s).
  7. Explore your body. Your partner(s) will not be able to please you if you don’t know how to please you. Explore with yourself what you like and don’t like so that you can communicate that effectively. The black-owned woman business, Chakrubs, is a wonderful place to start.

Jasmine Kelly is a contributing writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. Jasmine is a higher education professional who believes in the powers of Black Twitter. You can follow her on Instagram @chicomydusty.

Featured Image Credit: Fabrics, USA Pinterest

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