By Latasha McGill
Being an SBF (Single Black Female) seems to be a movement, an anthem and a badge of honor in the last decade. If you are an SBF, society has ingrained in your cerebral to be proud of that title and wear it as if you don’t mind being in that state for the rest of your life. It also comes with the “I Don’t Need a Man” mantra. I get it. I think no one gets it more than me. I have had my share of “relationships gone wrong”, “what are these new dating rules,” and “forget it, I give up; I’ll just get a dog” frustrations. Some of us have been through this season of singleness more than once. Lord knows I have. However, this time is different. It’s not just a season of oneness; it’s a season of true growth, healing and accountability. In this season, I have learned what are my true deal breakers, why I allowed myself to settle in the past for less than I deserve, and I’ve healed from parts of my past that kept me in a domino effect of brokenness. Being single isn’t just a time to refrain from dating; it’s a cleanser–a corrective state of mind and a reflection period. However, it is still a season, and seasons change.
Today’s single women are game changers. We are not single because no one wants us, we are single by design. What I mean is we are bossing ourselves all the way up and not waiting on Mr. Right to get right; and, we are no longer settling for Mr. Right Now. We are getting ourselves in a better position to transition into the life we desire and deserve, and that includes a healthy love life. Even with single women fulfilling their purpose, going after their dreams and living their best and blessed lives, we are still human beings with human desires and needs. Sometimes, the pangs of loneliness and the desire for companionship weighs heavily on us. Going home to dinner for one isn’t always all that it’s cracked up to be. When it’s time for car and lawn maintenance and there is no one there with a beard and biceps to say, “don’t worry babe, I got you”, it can make you feel a certain kind of way. And not in a good way. When a single woman expresses her desire for companionship or is transparent about her feelings of loneliness, the last thing she wants to be asked is “Have you dated yourself?” or “Wait on God”. Listen, single women have dated themselves, gotten to know themselves, can teach classes on self-care and self-love and still not hate on a woman who’s in a loving relationship and/or marriage. It starts to sound condescending after a while to ask a woman has she dated herself and learned herself. It’s as if we are not allowed to feel anything other than being Xena: Warrior Princess (Google her if you’re under 35, lol). I thank God for growth. I have learned so many lessons and have positioned myself for the blessings that God has and is reigning on my life. This week, my youngest daughter is leaving for college. I’m about to be an empty-nester and I must admit that I have true mixed emotions about it. I’ve never lived alone, and it will be interesting for sure to see how this season of my life plays out. I never thought I’d be single when my youngest child left for college; but nonetheless, I am. I’m currently not dating anyone; but I am now desiring companionship. And guess, what? It’s okay! It doesn’t mean I don’t love myself or know myself because I am expressing a human emotion to love again.
We have become so fixated on social media’s idea of what a single woman is supposed to be and do to the point that we shame women for expressing their desire for love. It’s time out for all these regimented rules when it comes to dating and love. We should get back to basics and (1) ask the Lord for discernment, (2) follow our hearts (3) and trust our instincts. I know dating can be harder than a calculus class and love can be hard to find in this world of online dating freaks, people who only want sex and, and entire list of others who are pretending. But, after all I’ve been through, I still haven’t given up on the idea of real, whole and healthy love. I know it’s out there. It was just waiting on me to get there first. 😊
So, my final thoughts are – give single women grace, allow us to express our desire for love and companionship without unsolicited opinions, judgements and condescending questions regarding if we are ready for love.
Latasha “Tasha Mac” McGill is a contributing writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. Tasha Mac is a grammar geek who is obsessed with coffee, high heels, lipstick, 90s R&B and Comic book movies. She is also a vegetarian whose idea of “turning up” is being in bed by 9pm, working out, watching HGTV and reading a book.
Connect with her on Facebook @ Latasha McGill, on Instagram @ TashaMac523, on Twitter @ LadyT523