I’m Not Having Sex and People Think I’m Crazy!

By Nikita Haynie

“Sex with me, sex with me, sex with me yeah, So amazing, so amazing.”

This track by Rihanna is a certified bop from her ANTI album; however, my life is not a reflection of the seductive lyrics. Sex with me is not happening and frankly it hasn’t been happening for almost five years. Yes you read that correctly. Yes, I am a 32 year old woman who isn’t having sex.

Before you jump to any conclusions let me explain…well sum it up.

If it was easy everybody would do it. Am I a virgin? No. Am I committed to abstinence? Yes. Is it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT!  This journey has been hard, but me abstaining from sex is no different from someone choosing to go vegan, stop smoking or giving up alcohol. Giving up something for the sake of becoming a better version of yourself is always worth it. There will be opinions, no one ever achieved anything by concerning themselves with naysayers. There have been countless moments where I have considered quitting, I have to meditate on 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.”  But Nikita what if you never get married?  There are a lot of what ifs in life, I can only rest in this: ” Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your path straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6). There are harder things in life to abstain from and sex just happens to be my journey. Ultimately it’s about about self-discipline and self-control. However, it’s all fun and games until you’re tempted. TEMPTATION IS REAL.  The moment you decide to rid your life of things hindering you from becoming your best self, there will be tests. These tests can come in the form of exes, situationships and even late night text messages. Have I slipped up? No, but I’ve been in a few situations were I was close and one thing about fire,  you don’t have to get close to it to know it’s hot. 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” Along my journey, I have learned  is setting boundaries and identifying triggers are important. I’m still human and the flesh is weak. In full transparency, sometimes I wish I was my former self; however, I’ve learned to  STOP  yearning for what God delivered me from. For the longest time prior to making the decision to abstain  I felt I was on a hamster wheel. Cycles are real. Unhealthy relationships are real. Toxic behavioral patterns are real. You ever notice how we pray for certain things, the prayer manifests and you’re still dissatisfied even though it’s what we prayed for.This has been me more times than not, I remembered this decision was something I prayed heavily about and God has sustained me thus far. It’s like asking God to heal you and then wanting to get sick again? Crazy right.  I believe sex is beautiful; however, I also believe when we mispurpose what God created for our own instant gratification it can become detrimental to our well being. Proverbs, the book of wisdom, is one my favorite books in the Bible. There is a powerful scripture that drastically shifted my perspective about the desire for past temptations. Proverbs 26:11 states, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.”   When you’re tired of your own foolishness you can either continue to make yourself sick (hence eating your own vomit over and over again) or change. Your vomit may not be sex but something different and if you’re being held captive from becoming your whole self, it’s time to get free. 

The bottom line: OWN YOUR TRUTH. When you become comfortable with who you are you will embrace everything about your story because it’s yours and you own it. I am not saying practicing abstinence is for everyone, but it has transformed my life in positive ways. The same disciplined I acquired through this journey I have applied in other areas of my life such as publishing a book and working out. Even if you don’t choose the path of abstinence, I do encourage a healthy sex ethic. Translation: Take all precautions to protect yourself. Your body is a temple. For any woman reading this and you’re considering abstaining here is my advice for you:

Don’t let what you see or hear detour you from what you have chosen to do. Stay encouraged. You may mess up, but if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. God’s grace is sufficient.

You are worth the wait.

To learn more about my abstinence journey read my interview here.

Nikita Haynie is a Contributing Writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. Nikita is a writer, author, and educator. She is a creative that writes content intersecting faith, black womanhood, and culture. Proud optimist. Follow her on Instagram: @thenikitahaynie. Check her out at NikitaHaynie.com