By Latasha McGill
This is one of those emotional confrontations I had when I was confronting pain and trauma during my breakup. It was a wound that was still there; one I had convinced myself I was healed from because I am a 40+ year old woman. However, it was just concealed, not healed. This is the origin of my abandonment and rejection issues; the beginning of those feelings that “I am not good enough”. Therefore, when I was a young adult, I sought comfort in the arms of those who didn’t want to comfort me but use me for their own satisfaction. Am I making excuses for my poor choices? Not hardly. I hold myself, and myself alone accountable for those decisions and every consequence that resulted from them. However, not having the relationship with my father in my youth that I so desperately desired was a catalyst for my poor decisions.
I wrote an article years ago entitled “Daddyless Daughters” after I watched Iyanla Vanzant host a show about women who overcompensate with their children because of absentee fathers. I cried as I watched that show because it resonated with me in so many ways. A Daddyless daughter goes through an emotional roller-coaster until she realizes that she is an amazing human being who is fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Not having her father as a constant presence in her life does not detract from her greatness; it propels her towards it. However, a Daddlyess daughter goes on an extensive journey before she comes to this vital conclusion.
Your dad is the first man you meet in this lifetime (suppose to, at least). Some women may not know their fathers because of circumstances beyond their control such as death but for those of us who were not able to have a sustainable relationship with our fathers because of parental issues, or they chose not to be there, or some other reason, it was an enigma in our childhood that resulted in relationship issues and sometimes, as in my case, the next generation of Daddyless daughters. I recall years ago when I met my first husband in my very early 20s, he had taken me to eat at a nice restaurant. It was my first sit down date at a restaurant with real silverware. My idea of fine dining was sitting at the counter with my mom at Woolworth on Canal Street (inserts happy emoji because those are pleasant memories). So, when my ex-husband said, “let’s go and get something to eat”, my mind reverted to McDonald’s and I was Quarter Pounder happy with that. When we pulled up at this nice, Italian restaurant, I was convinced, not only did he like me, but that he really liked me and somehow, I must return the favor. Today, I can chuckle as I type these words, but the reality is, the low opinion I had of myself and my mindset was not funny at all.
Sadly, there are a plethora of women of all ages who suffer from the emotional effects of absentee fathers. I’m a firm believer that we can cure ourselves. Do not wait for the apology from your father that you may never receive to heal yourselves. Your feelings are valid; however, we must work to own them, confront them, heal from them, and move forward. I love my father, and I know he loves me. Do we have the fairy tale relationship I see other women have with their fathers? No, and that’s okay. I have learned to heal from that brokenness and move forward with a healthy view of who I am and who God created me to be. I pray that the generational curse of Daddyless daughters is broken from my bloodline. Black women have so much hurt and pain that we must heal from. The healing work is not easy, but it is necessary and worthwhile. My desire is for my daughters to see me whole and healthy, trusting God every step of the way and leaning on Him for guidance and to order my steps in all that I do. This is the beginning of breaking generational curses. I’m grateful for the lessons I have learned through my experiences. I pray that every Daddyless daughter will heal and grow into their greatness and know that our heavenly father will always supply all of our needs according to His riches and glory.
Latasha “Tasha Mac” McGill is a contributing writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. Tasha Mac is a grammar geek who is obsessed with coffee, high heels, lipstick, 90s R&B and Comic book movies. She is also a vegetarian whose idea of “turning up” is being in bed by 9pm, working out, watching HGTV and reading a book.
Connect with her on Facebook @ Latasha McGill, on Instagram @ TashaMac523, on Twitter @ LadyT523