By Tymmarah Anderson
John Legend’s song, Open Your Eyes had always struck a chord with me (no pun intended) from the day I discovered it. Not just because it sampled one of my favorite songs of all time (The Light x Common), but the words itself resonated more than most.
I see you in a lonely place How can you be so blind You still regretting the love you left, left behind Oh darling, I seen you go through the changes Sitting alone each night Are you expecting to find the love, love that's right Darling open your eyes Let me show you the light You may never find a love that's right
Here I was, confronted with what seemed to be the perfect guy – the light – but for some reason, there was a disconnect. When I think about everything I want in a partner, all signs point to him, but there’s a small part of me that continuously says to myself, he’s missing IT. I can’t really explain what it is. But, you just know.
The very first time we connected, I bailed out after about 2 months of talking. I can’t really explain why, but it just didn’t feel right. Two months after I ghosted him, he texted me, and it didn’t feel wrong either. In fact, I was happy to see his name run across my screen.
So what’s the problem? EYE DON’T KNOW. It seems like every day I wake up with a new stance on how I feel about him. I think back to the lyrics of the song. Are my eyes closed? I mean, I do recognize the role my anxiety plays when it comes to serious relationships, but I also don’t want to invalidate my own feelings.
I even told him how I was feeling and he had the PERFECT response. He assured me no matter what I was feeling I could be honest with him and he’d still treat me with the same respect. He’s such a kind, thoughtful man whose values align with mine. Not to mention, he makes me feel like the only person that matters; and here I am, talking about what he’s missing. It seems unfair to him; he doesn’t deserve this uncertainty.
At some point, I came to recognize the pressure black women face to find the perfect guy in such a “limited” pool. Society got us thinking we only get one shot. I mean you hear the, “you’re so young, you’ve got time” speech but in the back of your head, you always think about being 40 and absolutely nothing has changed about your dating life. I mean, it happens all the time and it’s unsettling. Maybe that’s why we settle for the people that don’t always feel right. Maybe that’s why I’m settling. Or maybe I’m not settling at all. It’s hard to know for certain.
One thing I do know is that I won’t know unless I give it a try. If it doesn’t work out, at least I can say I gave it my best shot. There’s no way of knowing what the future holds and so much can change at the blink of an eye. So until then, I’m gonna ride the wave until the tide settles.
Tymmarah Anderson is a contributing writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC.