Diary of a “Dating” Black Girl

By Chanel Davis

Dear Diary,

I don’t know why I am so hesitant to get out of my shell when it comes to dating! I have been doing so well stepping out and trying new things and capitalizing on things I am passionate about. Dating just doesn’t seem to be one of them!

I was on the phone with my Dad a couple of weeks back. Just a regular check-up call. Nothing special. Then he asked something which I dread people to inquire about. 

“So how’s dating? You don’t have a special someone who you’ve connected with?

I paused because I knew at that moment that I would have to confess that I was just not putting myself out there at all. I mean, I had considered dating and in my opinion, had certainly put in effort previously. Very minimal, but nonetheless it was an effort.

No, Daddy I have been focusing on my career and setting some things in place for my future.

I knew he would hear right through my crap answer. I just held my breath on the phone in anticipation of him dissecting the statement I just made (as I also placed the phone on mute and fought the air in anticipation). Had I actually put in the effort? Were my standards too high? Or as one of my friends like to joke and say, “You must be waiting for your husband to break into your house and propose!”

You could really hear the concern in my Dad’s voice. 

Well, why not? You’re beautiful and have a lot going for yourself. I don’t want to see you alone. Everyone needs companionship.

At that moment I started to wonder if it was out of fear of another disappointment. I had spent most of my 20s dating guys who would put me through pain before showing me love, if ever! If you could even call it that. I gave extended chances in hopes that a failed attempt would somehow produce something different than the colors previously shown.

I had been out of the dating scene since 2017. My last relationship lasted a very brief three months until I noticed that I was unable to connect with someone who didn’t have the same religious views as me. There was an obvious void. I quickly saw it going nowhere and decided to end it. Since then, I have pretty much been to myself.

Well, I have been on one or two dates in the past couple of years but to no avail.

You know how you hear people saying little funny things like, “I’m tired of asking, what’s your favorite color?” Or my personal favorite, “I wish a guy would ask me about my relationship with God instead of what’s my level of freakiness!” Realistically at some point in time when the right one comes along, you’re going to have to start somewhere. However, I don’t feel freak level inquiries should ever be ok in the getting to know you stage.

I feel it really genuinely just comes down to being disappointed. My cycle goes as follows:

I would meet someone who would intrigue me and spark my interest. We would do a short phase of “getting to know each other” then expectations are put in place. Next, they usually always failed to deliver. Reciprocity is lacking and eventually, it dies because it becomes one-sided. 

Let’s take a wild guess which it was…

The one phrase I hope to never hear again in this lifetime is, “If I had met you at another time, you would be perfect wife material.” 

What does that even mean?? Talk about frustration and wasted time!

So, from there I closed myself off and put up a wall. A wall that I can’t expect the next to tear down when he did not contribute to my pain and damage. So I had to ask myself, would I want to do the same for someone else?

My Dad started to express his worries and concerns as to why I wasn’t interested in dating. But he put my anticipation of shame at ease by saying something that made me realize that all things come with the right timing.

I want to see you happy is all. You’re my baby girl and I know the right one is out there. Mark my words, it’s going to happen when you least expect it and in the most unlikely place.

That statement alone gave me hope. At that moment I didn’t feel pressured to run and find a husband or to be ashamed at being 30 with no significant other and/or children. This is a great place to still enjoy life and love on myself even harder. Most importantly, working on me to prepare for whomever God has designed for me. I think we all, at times, in our singleness feel a bit lonely either due to comparison or from coming home after a long day to an empty house. Which can be a great feeling some days after leaving the chaotic public.

So rest assured, I have not felt compelled to work against time’s clock to achieve certain things by a certain date. What is destined will be and there is never a better time than now to be your own peace and continue to live, love yourself first and enjoy life. I am determined to take advantage of being able to plan last-minute trips for some me time and to come and go as I please. 

If you happen to feel a connection sparking with someone, remember to take it slow and be sure it’s adding value to your life and not taking away anything you had before the encounter. Keep your smile, be you and know that someone else is praying for the same things you are!

Sincerely,

Diary of a Chocolate Girl

P.S.

There’s also nothing wrong with considering owning a cat or dog….


Chanel Davis is a Contributing Writer for the Pedestal Project, LLC. Chanel is the creator and operator of the Diary Of A Chocolate Girl podcast aiming to connect with chocolate girls all over through personal experiences and opinions with mild humor and a spiritual flare. Be sure to connect on IG and Facebook @DiaryofaChocolateGirl.

Featured Image Credit by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

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