By Kee Smith
It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to sit down and journal, so I hope you don’t mind if I use this space for that today. Funny enough, I’ve been so busy writing, creating, growing my business, and helping other people grow their business lately that time keeps slipping away. So as my life continues to elevate, I thought to myself that I need to document where I am right now because I realized that when I’m journaling my journey, I’m writing the dark spaces. Which, I think, is fine. I’m a firm believer in shedding light on dark spaces to heal them.
But today is different. Today is different because I wanted to journal my journey of complete peace. I’ve never experienced this before. The feeling of being in total peace was such a foreign state of being that it took me a while to realize that peace is what I was experiencing.
Lately, I’ve been mentioning that it’s like I’m living in a twilight zone. It’s almost like I have little to no recollection of the past, very little insight into the future, and I wasn’t sure if I was feeling an out-of-body experience of sorts in the present. I was conflicted because I felt fine. I’m probably happiest I’ve ever been, but this twilight zone … this out-of-body experience is one that I’ve experienced before. The discrepancy lies in the different emotional states from the first experience compared to this one. Last time, I was out of my body. I was in the lowest form of depression I had ever been and the highest place of anxiety. I medicated to help combat the anxiety and depression while working through obsessive thoughts of anything that crossed my mind. Then, I completely dissociated. I disconnected from myself, likely as a flight or fight response, and it’s almost like I was watching myself disappear without the ability to save myself. It was wild, to say the least.
This time, I still feel like I’m in a time warp, but the difference is that I am living in complete happiness. I’m not chasing it; I’m living in it. I am completely fulfilled and living in unquestionable gratitude for my life and all it offers me. Ironically, it is another foreign state of being for me, so I began to question what I was experiencing. I even became a little concerned because I knew that depression and anxiety are usually one scenario away, and I was worried that maybe I was on my way down again. Until it dawned on me, I was confused because I’ve never experienced the happiness that is unattached to an exception of some sort. I’ve never experienced peace as a state of being instead of relief from chaos. I’ve never been able to look back at my life and pat myself in the back without criticizing myself for not having done more or doing things differently than other people to attain whatever glory I was searching for. I think my mind attempted to revert to what we already know how to do self-sabotage.
In realizing that, I realized that all of my healing, prayer, therapy, journaling, and protecting my energy has finally paid off. I’m finally allowing myself to live in the moment and love things while I experience them and release them when it’s time for them to go. There’s so much freedom in that. There’s so much abundance in it, too. I’ve finally mastered the ability to be as connected as I am to everything while being unattached. & I love this for me. I love this freedom. I love the amount of trust I have in myself right now. I love the amount of faith I have in God right now. I love living enthralled in every moment that I experience without fear of what happens next or the desire to control it. Maybe it won’t last for much longer .. perhaps it’s the beginning of forever; I’m not sure. But for now, I wanted to document this feeling. Perhaps if it slips away, I can come back here and find a way to grasp it again.
So, my hope for you is that you get to experience this twilight zone, even if for just a moment. I also hope that you journal your journey when it’s going well, too — shining light unto light can only make it brighter.
Kee Smith is a contributing writer and is a homie, lover, and friend and always “write” on time. Be sure to connect on IG @_ _ _lowkee.